Many parents may have a hard time trying to explain the whys of "NO". Although it is important to explain why they're saying no, parents should not fall into the trap of over-explaining and over-negotiating everything. Children need to understand that no means no, and too much explanation or reasoning often leads to compromising and changing the rules to accommodate them.

Are you teaching him NOT to listen?

Whenever you tell your child no, (eg "No, you cannot have that piece of chocolate before dinner"), does he question your authority or decision? And do you keep talking to try to get him to understand the reason for that decision?

You may eventually get tired or feel pressured when he keeps asking for chocolate, or perhaps he promises to eat all his veggies in return, and you give in to him. What you are doing is actually training your child not to accept the rules. As your child begs, wheedles and asks, he realises that he can get what he wants if he keeps at it long enough, or promises something in exchange.

Taking no for an answer

Teaching your child to accept no can be quite a challenge. And even more, when he is already used to getting his way around you. However, here are some ways in which you can turn things around to your benefit:

• Establish boundaries early: Parents should establish their authority when their children are still very young by setting up limits or boundaries. The longer you put that off, the harder it will be to change your child later on. Just as you wouldn't let your 4-year-old son near a pool without supervision, you can set limits, like going to bed at 8 o'clock every night, with no questions asked.
• Taking some time-out: Sometimes, children get too excited or stimulated and refuse to listen or respond to what you have to say. When this happens, you can give your kid a little time-out. Take him to his room, or sit him down someplace quiet and let him take a 5-minute break. This often gives a child enough time to recover, and then you can talk to him firmly, letting him know his limits clearly. Ask if he can do what you want him to; if he can't, he has to remain in his room until he agrees to obey.
• Don't compromise: If your son or daughter talks and argues back to you, just say no and walk away. Certain rules should not have to be compromised and if your child does not want to comply, it does not mean you have to change the rules to suit his fancy. If you give in to him every once in a while, he's going to learn that he can manipulate you to get what he wants.
• Set the rules: The best time to explain rules and concepts for your child to understand is when things are good. Sit down and explain, when you say no, it means no, and there should be no further discussion. If he gets frustrated when he doesn't get his way, coach him in ways to feel better. Get him to do something he enjoys that can calm him down, like playing with his toys or drawing. It is very important to teach your children this from young as giving in to tantrums will only cause them to challenge the boundaries you set for them.

Teach, coach, limit

There is no avoiding that your child will sometimes have temper tantrums and fail to see your point of view. Setting boundaries and rules should not be compromised and all parents should understand that setting limits is a crucial role in parenting. As your child grows up, this will help him in accepting no as an answer and prevent a rebellious attitude. Remember, however, to always separate your child from the action. Children pick up negative vibes easily and they may think that you do not love them when you scold them. Remind them that although you are not happy with their behaviour and that they should not repeat it, you still love them.

“Mum, you can’t sit there! You’re going to squash Lina!” 5-year-old Aida chides, as Pn Rosnah is about to sit down on the sofa next to her daughter. The mother looks at the empty seat and asks, “Who is Lina?” raising one of her eyebrows quizzically.

Stepping on the "invisible"

Young children often like to make up conversations as they play with their trucks and trains or their dolls, giving each one a unique character. Though role-playing with toys are quite common, so may be an imaginary friend, with your child having a conversation or playing with someone whom you cannot see. Your child’s imaginary friend could be another child around the same age, a magical or fantasy person or even an animal.

An imaginary friend can change over time, as your child goes through certain phases in his life. For some, the ‘friend’ could be an occasional visitor, making an appearance every few days, while for others the ‘friend’ remains a constant companion. Your child would treat his ‘friend’ just like a normal person, someone he sees everyday and can play with. Therefore, it is not surprising if he tells you that you may be stepping on his ‘friend’, sitting at his place or may even ask you to set a place for his ‘friend’ at the table during mealtimes.

Is your child lonely?

Having an imaginary friend may not mean that your child is lonely, it may just mean he enjoys the companionship of someone in addition to his usual, daily, REAL friends. Imaginary friends help your child think more creatively, letting them do things in a different manner. They are also a way of letting your child practice his social skills, so that he would be more comfortable and confident when meeting actual peers. Sometimes, your child may have an imaginary friend just so he could have someone to control and to be in charge of, especially since everyone around him is trying to control his actions. They may even act as a trusted companion – someone they can tell their secrets to, as even young children have issues too personal or may be afraid of telling the adults.

It’s all a part of growing up

Many professionals agree that having imaginary friends are part of a child’s normal development. Instead of being a problem, they can actually help your child deal with some stresses present in their life, also letting you in on some of your child’s fears. When your child comforts his ‘friend’ who is afraid of the dark, it may be that your child is the one actually scared of dark places and by comforting his ‘friend’, he is trying to face his fears as well. You may also be punishing your child more than you need to, or have too many rules for him, thus your child may get into trouble and misbehave, blaming it on his imaginary friend.

If you can’t beat them, join them!

Take cues from your child if you’re not sure how to respond to his imaginary friend:

• If your child doesn’t seem to want to share his ‘friend’, then do not try to join in their play unless asked to. Usually you will be asked to provide certain things, like setting a place for his ‘friend’ for meals or asked not to sit in a particular chair.
• Your child may use his ‘friend’ to take the “blame” for some of the things he does, such as spilling milk or breaking a vase. You can make him learn, by telling him that accidents happen and that he can help you clean up after his ‘friend’.
• Try to provide opportunities for your child to meet and play with other peers of his own age. If these games and activities are enjoyable and fun enough, he may slowly begin to lose interest in his ‘friends’ and be more sociable with others.
• Remember not to ridicule your child, but rather, gently encourage him to make more friends with his peers. Punishing your child for having an imaginary friend can be counter-productive.

Imaginary friends do not usually pose a problem, and if your child enjoys playing with others as well as doing fun things with you and other children, then there is nothing for you to worry about. As they get older, have more real friends, and are able to face their fears better, their imaginary friends often disappear into thin air. Should your child continue to choose his imaginary friend rather than spending time with buddies his age, then it may help for you to look at what is really going on in his life and try to get him to enjoy doing some real things.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly known as ADHD, is one of the most common disorders found in children and adolescents. Usually presenting itself by the age of seven, ADHD is a behavioural disorder that can have an impact on all major aspects of a child’s life, including socialisation, academic achievement and physical and psychological well-being.

However, the level of severity of ADHD may vary and research has found that with the help of intervention techniques and strategies, there is a decline in symptoms in people with ADHD as they age. Early intervention is key and that is why an early diagnosis is important for the future wellbeing of people with ADHD.

What Qualifies as ADHD?

Like most disorders, there is a cluster of symptoms that indicate the presence of ADHD in children. Generally, there are three key behaviours that form the basis of an ADHD diagnosis:

Inattention. One of the main symptoms, inattention means that children will usually have a hard time sustaining their attention on something and they get easily distracted and bored with the tasks given. Symptoms include - easily distracted by irrelevant sights and sounds, failing to pay attention to details and making careless mistakes, difficulty following instructions and often jumping from one activity to another. These are often unnoticed until the child enters school.

Hyperactivity. Appearing to be the most visible sign, hyperactive children are constantly in motion and they may often move around touching and playing with anything they see as well as talk incessantly. They find simple tasks like sitting still difficult. In young children, behaviours such as darting out of the house or into the street, excessive climbing and jumping are often observed as these children seem to have boundless energy.

Impulsivity. Impulsive children seem to be unable to curb their immediate reaction or think before they act. Impulsivity is observed when the child often answers a question before the questioning is completed, has difficulties waiting for their turn and is always interrupting people. ADHD children showing signs of impulsivity are also restless, have difficulty staying still and talk excessively.

In addition to that, the core behaviours of ADHD may also impact children’s lives in various ways, resulting in secondary symptoms that include:

• Disturbance in academic achievement.
• Poor social behaviour and relationship.
• Difficulty regulating their emotions.
• Increased injuries/accidents.

Is there a Cure?

As of yet, there is no cure to completely rid a person of ADHD. However, the symptoms of ADHD do seem to respond to treatment and intervention methods that have been deployed, proving that the symptoms can be managed. From a medical perspective, stimulant medications seem to be the treatment of choice as they have shown to increase attention and reduce impulsivity and activity levels. Behavioural therapy on the other hand, helps people with ADHD cope with their symptoms by teaching them how to control their behaviours. ADHD is best treated with a combination of both.

Whether we admit it or not, we all have fears. Regardless of the fear, everyone feels the same when faced with it. For seemingly no good reason, our heart starts beating quicker, we start to sweat and there is an overwhelming desire to escape the situation.

Children are not exempt from this feeling. Compared to our own fears, their fears may seem to make no sense at all, but this does not mean that they do not feel it. Learn more about your children’s fears and how to help them overcome this dreadful feeling.

When and What

Due to the differing maturity levels and emotional susceptibility of a child, you may find that your child fears different things as they grow up. They will eventually outgrow some fears, but start to be wary of another. The table below exemplifies some of the common fears at different stages of a child’s life;

Defeating the Monster

The following are some tips you can use to help your child develop the skills and confidence to overcome their fears for good.

• Avoid negativity. As trivial as it may seem, your child’s fear feels very real to them, so do not dismiss your child’s fear. Lecturing, belittling, coercing or scolding is not helpful. It will not make the fear go away but will only intensify it as your child will associate more negative feelings with their fears.
• Talk about the fear. Talk to him about why and how their fears affect him. Listen to what he says and use this opportunity to help him learn about his fears. Knowing how and why scary things happen makes them a little less scary. While your child may not immediately believe your explanations, they will eventually come to accept it.
• Give support but do not overprotect. Let your child know that he can always come to you for help. When he is afraid, give him constant reassurance that things will be alright. However, avoid bending over backwards to cater to his fears (ie deliberately crossing the street to avoid a dog). Being overly cautious and protective of your child may send the wrong message to him that he is right to feel anxious and fearful.

Eating Disorders (ED), such as Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, are becoming more common in developed as well as developing countries. Once known as a “Western” condition, ED are now more prominent in non- Western countries and Malaysia is no exception. Although females are more susceptible to ED than males, the recent trend indicates that ED is becoming more common among males.

ED is considered a chronic condition with physical, psychological and social consequences that significantly debilitate sufferers and their carers. The most worrying concern is the mortality rate of ED, which is one of the highest among other psychiatric conditions. Therefore, a concerted effort is urgently needed to prevent the onset of ED.

Parents’ Vital Role

Children are easily influenced by what they see and hear. It is important for parents to instil a positive body image in their children, so that they will be resilient against the negative influences that may distort their self-image. Below are some suggestions on what you can do as parents:

Examine your own body image and be a good role model.
How you perceive yourself can influence your child’s body image. Constantly fussing about your weight and appearance and practising crash-dieting send a message to your child that he/she should strife towards achieving an ideal body shape. This could lead to an over-emphasis on appearance and body dissatisfaction. Instead, be satisfied with your body and place more emphasis on being healthy. Model a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and a balanced diet.

Talk about growing up and tell them there is no perfect body.
Talk to your child about the process of growth. Tell your child that it is normal for her body to change in shape and weight, especially during puberty. Teach her to appreciate the fact that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes and that there is no such thing as a perfect body. Most importantly, help her understand that being both underweight and overweight has health implications, and she should focus on maintaining a healthy body weight.

Teach positive eating habits without guilt.
Teach your child good eating habits from a very young age, providing a variety of nutritious meals and snacks. There is no such thing as “good” or “bad” food. Creating a list of “forbidden foods” can lead to cravings and over-eating which in turn could create guilt and unhealthy eating attitudes and behaviours. Moderation is the key.

Love them as they are.
Help your child build her self-esteem by identifying and developing her various strengths, emphasising on both achievements and internal attributes. Convince your child that she is worth much more than her looks and that you love her just as she is. Children who receive such affirmations are more likely to love themselves, including having the confidence to feel comfortable about the way they look.

Avoid body/fat talk.
Talking about the body – our own or that of others – are common conversation points. Very often, this can perpetuate body dissatisfaction. Avoid passing negative comments about your child or other people’s weight, body size and shape. Your child may interpret your negative body comments as disapproval or rejection.

Engaging in the above recommendations will go a long way in helping your child to love their body and themselves.

Nightmares are scary dreams that can visit anyone and are a normal part of childhood. Nonetheless because it affects a child’s sleep, it can be unsettling for parents. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association reports that up to 50% of children between the ages of three and five have nightmares that are severe enough to cause their parents concern. However, before jumping to conclusions that your child’s nightmares are a symptom of a more severe psychological problem, read on to find out how you can alleviate your child’s nightmares.

What To Do?

You may not be able to prevent nightmares in children, but you can definitely lower its occurrence in your child. Follow these simple steps below for more peaceful nights:

Here are some steps which you can take to strengthen your child’s sense of self and moral courage.

• Get them to think about what is right. Rather than ‘telling’ your child what is right and wrong, get them to think and to understand for themselves what is right and wrong. When children really understand the importance of values like honesty, kindness and respect, they are less likely to give in to peer pressure because they have internalized these values. We cannot expect our children to stand up against peer pressure when they are not encouraged to question and discuss moral issues.
• Lead by example. Parents should demonstrate that we too have the moral courage to disagree and say ‘no’ when our friends or relatives may be trying to exert pressure on us to act against what we believe in. This type of modeling drives the point that we should do what our conscience says is right, rather than what other people say is right and we should have the guts to stand up to others.
• Enhance self esteem and confidence. Children who have a lot of self doubt and who feel insecure are far more likely to give in to destructive peer pressure. We can build their self esteem by reminding them that their value as a person does not depend on how popular they are with their friends but rather is built on their unique qualities as a human being and on the unconditional love and acceptance we offer to them.
• Teach assertiveness skills. Many children give in to peer pressure because they just don’t know how to say no to friends. They have had no practice voicing disagreement. Parents can have role playing sessions at home where their children can practice exactly how to say no and walk away when they are facing destructive peer pressure.

Make The Right Choice
Choose the right preschool that caters to your child’s needs. It is important the learning environment is conducive and suited to your child’s personality. Find out if there is a visiting day or orientation for both you and your child. This is a good opportunity for you to observe classes to know how the teachers handle the children. Also, speak to the teachers about the preschool, its daily activities as well as anything else you might have questions about. Taking your child along is a good idea for your child to experience the new environment but yet feel safe with you around.

Make It Exciting
Be enthusiastic when talking about the preschool. Explain to your child why it is important for him to start schooling, and describe all the fun activities he will be enjoying. It is natural for your child to express fear and anxiety but, instead of brushing it off, talk to your child patiently to ease his fears.

Get Into A Routine
Start to adjust your child’s sleeping and breakfast schedules in the weeks leading up to the first day of preschool. This will help with the transition and make it more comfortable when it finally comes. You can even engage in some ‘pretend play’ with your child, creating a schedule very much like what he will experience in preschool.

Be There For Your Child
On the actual day of school, be present with your child during the first few hours. However, don’t stay the entire day to watch over your child. He will need to get used to the idea of you not being there. Mollycoddling your child in this instance will not help ease the situation. And when picking up your child, make sure you are on time! This helps provide your child with a sense of security.

Talk About It
Ask your child about his or her first day. Show interest in his activities and praise him for a successful first day at school. This will help your child know he has done well. He will look forward to going back to school again.

Common Speech And Language Disorders
Speech and language problems can be divided into three categories: structural, neural and other related problems.

Structural
Cleft Palate Speech Disorder
This refers to children who are born with a cleft palate, as it is common for children with this condition to have speech problems at some point in their lives. Symptoms include:

• Inability to make certain sounds
• Sounding as if he or she is “talking through their noses”
• Your child making grunt or growl sounds

Articulation Disorders
Speech sound errors that do not change in different word contexts. Symptoms include:

• An obvious lisp
• Weak articulation of certain sounds beginning with the letters R, J, L and S such as “labbit” for rabbit

Neural
Development Language Delay
With this disorder, your child has difficulty learning or retrieving new words and putting sentences together. Symptoms include:

• Difficulty learning verb tenses
• Difficulty learning word classes
• Difficulty learning new words and using grammar properly

Dysarthria
A neurological speech disorder that affects a child’s muscle tone, making his speech sound slurred. Symptoms include:

• Weak vocal quality
• Rapid or slow speaking rate
• Generally weak, mushy, garbled and imprecise speech

Stuttering
When your child repeats individual speech sounds, usually at the beginning of words or phrases. Symptoms include:

• Your child developing a stutter when moving from using single words and short phrases to longer sentences or when they are under pressure to speak

Other Related Problems
There are also other related issues when it comes to speech and language skills problems.

Shyness
Some children are naturally shy and therefore do not do much talking, especially in the presence of a crowd. Symptoms include:

• Not speaking at all unless necessary
• Recluse and quiet
• If speaking, speaks with a quiet voice
• Concerns from teachers who claim your child is not speaking at all

Hearing
Having problems listening will give your child problems talking. As both senses are related, often times someone who is deaf is also mute. Symptoms include:

• Not forming words properly
• Keeps to oneself
• Not being able to make a full sentence properly

Because the foundation of self-esteem is laid early in life, it is important that you play an active role in helping your children develop their self-esteem. Here are some simple ways to start:

1. No Comparison
Avoid comparing your children with the neighbour’s children, or their cousins or friends. Doing this does not motivate your child to do better (grow taller or run faster). Instead, you magnify his sense of inadequacy and make him feel that he is a disappointment to you.

2. Jokes Aside
Do not joke about physical defects, appearance or ethnicity. Reinforce the belief that your child is perfect the way he is regardless of his weight or height and that you love him unconditionally.

3. No Negative Labels
Do not attribute low levels of competence to your child. Do not label him “slow” or “dumb” if he is unable to do a task. Instead, suggest how he can do it better and offer to help if he needs it.

4. Avoid Auto-punishment
Avoid automatic punishment. A common example is when children are punished for not finishing their meal, causing them to detest mealtimes. Why not explain mealtime rules to your child and reward him for complying? Discipline should be fair, firm and friendly.

5. Keep It Positive
The next time you are tempted to say something negative, stop yourself. Harping on your child’s negative aspects (for example, telling all your relatives that he wets his bed every night) leads him to think that it is the only aspect of his personality you are concerned with.

6. Bid The Bogeyman Bye-bye
Do not frighten your child with ghosts, monsters or the evil policeman. This may work in the short term but may lead to phobias later in life. A child who is constantly threatened with ghosts may develop a fear of dark places and develop a superstitious personality.

7. Do Not Take Guilt Trips
Do not make your child feel guilty for being “bad” as guilty feelings can lead to chronic worrying, self-blame and even delinquent behaviour in the long run. Always communicate clearly to your child, set reasonable expectations and avoid blaming him if things go wrong.

8. Create Good Times
Create enjoyable experiences with your child. Fond of fishing? Organise a fishing trip and bring your child along. Including him in your favourite pastime will make him feel important and valued.

9. Foster Independence
Instead of doing everything for your child, ask him, “How can I support you in what you are trying to do?” Let your child make certain decisions and allow him to make mistakes and learn from them.

10. Raise Your Praises
Children need praise and positive reinforcement. This helps them believe in themselves and helps them understand that you (and other people) believe in them too.