When a child with special needs is born into a family, the parents become immediately aware of the myriad challenges that lay ahead. Not only do they have to cope with issues like cost and time, but they also have to face their own emotions and the reactions of family members, relatives, friends and the public.

Children with special needs can change a family’s entire dynamics. This could occur when the special child can only communicate with his eyes and sounds, but everyone in the family must learn to interpret what he wants or needs. It then becomes a collective family effort to learn the various ways of the special child while seeing to the needs of other family members.

As a first step, these parents should never make their special child’s disability the sole focus of the family. Otherwise, the family is defined by the disability and the child, and the marriage and the other children will suffer. One of the main challenges will come from the siblings of the special needs child, and, to a certain extent, from the extended family - the relatives.

Siblings of special children

It can be difficult for siblings of special needs children to understand that their parents are not favouring their special needs brother or sister. It is also difficult for these children to understand that their special sibling really does have some form of mental, physiological or learning disability.

In situations like these, it is not easy to practise balanced parenting as the special needs child clearly needs constant monitoring and assistance. To create this balance, these parents can adopt a few helpful tips to maintain their children’s well-being:

1. Parents should show that they empathise with their non-disabled children’s frustrations and listen carefully to their opinions and needs. It will help them realise that it is not easy to be a sibling of a special needs child.
2. Try and allocate some time from your daily schedule to spend with your other children. This is important so that they don’t feel they will receive your attention only when they are disobedient or do something wrong. Be aware that a lack of parental attention can motivate delinquent behaviours in some of these children. Try and divide your attention equally among your children.
3. Be sure to acknowledge and praise their achievements, and not just recognise their shortcomings. This will allow the children to feel that they are treated equally – if they do something wrong, they will be punished, and if they do something right, they will be rewarded accordingly.
4. Bear in mind that your non-disabled children may feel anger and resentment towards their disabled sibling for not being the “normal” sibling they wanted. They may in turn, try to embarrass their disabled sibling and appear insensitive to his or her differences. If this occurs, explain to your children that these feelings are normal, and they have to try to accept them, while patiently explaining and discouraging such feelings. Also, these children may feel guilty for having these negative feelings, and it is your role as parents to reassure them that their feelings matter and are not forbidden.

Caring for a special needs child can also put a strain on the marriage. Therefore, parents should try and set aside some ‘couple-time’, even if it’s for an occasional meal. Talk to your spouse about your fears and worries, or talk to other people who can understand you. Remember to set aside some personal time for yourself by allowing other family members to watch over your special child while you rest.

Facing the relatives

Special parents may also encounter feelings of resentment towards gossip about their special needs child from relatives, and this can be an added stress on these parents. In cases like these, it is good to either talk your feelings out with these relatives so that the familial bond is not broken, or learn to ignore their comments.

Close relatives, like grandparents for example, may have old-fashioned views about disability and it would help if parents explain to them about their child’s disability. Also, allow your relatives to baby-sit your special child so that they too may be able to learn and better understand the child, even if it’s in a small way.

Parenting a special needs child is double the challenge, but parenting any other non-disabled child is not easy either. Take charge of your fears and work as a family in caring for one another because at the end of the day, a loving and supportive family is what is most needed in the life of a special needs child.

Are you proud parents of a bright 3-year-old, who also sometimes annoys you with his stubbornness to listen to what you say? No matter how you plead and ask, your child doesn't pick up his toys, hates taking his bath and absolutely refuses to touch his vegetables! Parents are great models for children, as most children follow the "Monkey see, monkey do" concept. So it may not be altogether wrong to say that your son or daughter may have gotten her stubbornness from either one of you!

Monkey see, monkey do

In general, children tend to grow up to be a lot like their parents. From the time they are born, parents become children's role models, which is why it is very important to instil good habits at an early age. Research carried out have shown that children who live with parents who smoke tend to grow up to be smokers themselves. Similarly, children who are raised amidst domestic violence would most likely to grow up to be hostile and aggressive as well.

On a lighter note, making sure you eat all your vegetables, instead of picking out the ones you don't like, will also teach your children to finish up all their greens, whether they like it or not!

Role modelling

Role modelling can in fact be an extremely effective tool, if parents use it to their advantage. Parents only talk about disciplining their children, but fail to realise that they need to discipline themselves first. To be a good role model, parents need a lot of effort and self-control, to bring out the best in themselves and therefore in their children.

Children are much more likely to respect and listen to parents who do what they preach. When you wish for them to be tidy and to clean up after themselves, then you too, must ensure that you keep a clean and tidy environment yourself.

Listen to yourself

Are you often telling your children to do things but that you yourself can't be bothered with? What makes you think your children will listen to you when you don't carry out your own Dos and Don'ts? Kids are actually sensitive and smart enough to realise when their mum or dad is just preaching and when they are really practising what they say. Here are some things to look out for to ensure good behaviour in your children:

• Do what you say: Actions always speak louder than words; therefore, your actions will influence your child more than what you lecture. Always do yourself, what you expect them to do. This will ensure your children follow your footsteps and is more effective than actually forcing them to do something using fear or rewards.
• Rules are for everyone: House rules, such as cleaning up your own mess and keeping the place clean, should apply to all and not just the children. This teaches your child to respect and obey the rules, and he will naturally do accordingly instead of just following them out of fear.
• Teach by example: Young children especially, may find it difficult to understand concepts such as manners or respect. One way of teaching your child to always have good manners and to be respectful to others is by making sure you are respectful and minding your Please's and Thank You's when interacting with others!
• Confusing emotions: Children tend to be more confused about emotions. They may think that if you're angry with them, you do not love them. Be clear with them and make sure they understand that although you may scold them when they do something wrong, it does not mean that you love them any less.

Identify all the positive things you can role model for your children, like selfrespect and respecting others, patience, kindness, generosity and self-discipline. Instil good habits like eating healthily, reading to expand knowledge, as well as exercising for physical and mental health. Seeing is definitely believing, and what your children see from you, they will believe and practise!

Grandparents are indeed a valuable and loving part of a child’s life, and the most reliable child care support system parents can access. Locally here, the majority of Malaysian couples stay with their parents-in-law. According to a 2004 nationwide study conducted among Malaysian households with older persons aged 60 years and above, 63.2% of those families comprised of grandparents, parents and children (Aziz RA. Akademika 2007;70:103-115).

Live-in grandparents offer…

However, conflicts may arise when they go a little overboard to interfere with the way you raise your kids, or undermine your authority as a parent. Sometimes, a minor disagreement, if mishandled, can evolve into a major argument.

How can you overcome those parenting disputes and maintain a harmonious relationship within the family?

What you can do

First of all, there is no definite right or wrong in the way you or the grandparents want the child to be raised. It is a matter of style and opinion. But you can always try to find a middle ground agreeable to both sides.

• You and your spouse should have first agreed on the principles of your child’s upbringing. In the event of a disagreement with the grandparents, make an effort to communicate with them on your stand in a respectful manner.
• Listen and respond to their comments and advice. If the advice is useful, thank them. If you dislike their advice, no need to get defensive either. Instead, you can say, “Thank you, I have not thought of that, but I will keep it in mind.”
• Lay down the rules and make an agreement upfront, eg in which area and when the children should follow your rules, and when the grandparent’s rules apply.
• Sometimes it is okay to let go. If what they want to do is not something you are strongly against or going to hurt your child, consider letting them have their way.
• If you feel that your parents or in-laws are getting too involved in raising your kids, consider hiring a babysitter or sending your kids to a daycare centre.

When disagreement becomes a heated argument

When this happens, both sides get hurt emotionally. This situation needs to be repaired early in order to ensure a harmonious family relationship.

• When the argument is not leading to any solution, get away from the intense atmosphere to allow both of you time to cool off.
• You can try to talk to the grandparents again after you have calmed down. Better still, ask your spouse to be the “middle person” if the conflict is between you and your inlaws. They will probably discuss better with their own son or daughter.
• Whatever disagreements you have had with your child’s grandparents, do not hold grudges against them. Just know that you all are completely different personalities, with different levels of experience and knowledge. You can work together and raise your kids the best way you can.

There are many reasons why people choose to foster or adopt a child. The main reason being that they are medically unable to bear their own children (ie infertility or medical conditions that prohibit a safe pregnancy).

If you are considering fostering or adopting a child, it is important to understand the requirements and responsibilities that entails the decision. This is to ensure that you are capable of providing the child a stable and healthy family life.

Fostering

In Malaysia, a couple has to first become a child’s foster parents before they can seek to adopt the child. Fostering is providing a temporary, safe home for a child in crisis, eg the birth parent is unable or unwilling to care for the child. Foster parents are not the child’s legal parents. Application for a foster child can be made through the nearest District Welfare Office with the following requirements:

• The couple must be Malaysian, aged 25 to 60 years.
• Legally married for at least 5 years.
• Older couples married for less than 5 years are able to adopt if there is fertility problem, complications on reproductive health or late marriage which hinders pregnancy.
• Single persons can be considered as foster parent but the differences in age must be more than 21 years.
• Single male can only apply to adopt boys, while single women can apply for both boys and girls.
• Couple must be in good health, both physically and mentally.
• The couple should be in a good relationship and financially stable, so that they can provide the child with an ongoing stable family life.
• The couple holds no criminal record.
• The couple is able to provide a healthy environment for the child to grow and develop.
• Practice the same religion as the child.

Adoption

Adoption is to become the parent for a child who cannot live with his or her birth parents. Adoptive parents are granted the rights and responsibilities of a legal parent. The process for adoption can be made after 2 years under the Registration of Adoption Act 1952 through the Registration Department (for muslim couple and non-muslim), or 3 months under the Adoption Act 1952 through the Courts (for non-muslim couple only).

The challenges

As a foster or adoptive parent, you need to provide unconditional love and care for the child, attending to his/ her physical, emotional and educational needs, and ensuring a safe living environment. You need to guide as well as support the child’s development.

Besides handling usual parenting situations just like any other parents, you may need to cope with emotional, behavioural or medical issues associated to the child’s past experiences, eg abuse, neglect and separation.

Sometimes you may also face sensitive remarks or questions from people. However, by and large, fostering and child adoption has slowly gained acceptance in today’s society.

Adoptive or foster parents indeed face challenges that biological parents don’t usually face, and have more to learn and cope with. Nevertheless, the joy of parenthood can be as rewarding as raising your own child.

Do these expressions sound familiar to you? As parents of more than one child, these may be just a few of the many complaints you hear from your children. Sibling rivalry is common in almost all households; although there are brothers and sisters who are close to each other, it is very rare to find siblings that get along well all of the time.

There are many reasons why siblings quarrel and fight with each other, including different personalities, ages as well as the fact that many of them compete for everything, from toys to attention. It can be pretty frustrating to watch your children constantly bicker and shout but there are some steps, that you can take to help your children get along better.

Why are Kids always Fighting?

• Attention. Children are always looking for ways to get attention from their parents, more so if you are very busy and have limited time for each of them. If there is a new arrival in your family, the older sibling finds it hard to accept that he no longer gets all the attention for himself. Feeling ignored, kids often act out such as refusal to eat or cry when they don't get something in an attempt to get attention.
• Having to share. Resources are often limited in many homes. Thus, at one point or another, siblings may need to share at least some of their toys or other possessions. Needing to give up a favourite toy may be quite hard on younger children, sometimes even causing them to react aggressively to their sibling.
• Unique temperaments. Your kids' moods, dispositions, adaptability and unique personalities all play a role in how well they get along with each other. Differences in temperaments often lead to clashes while age and gender difference may also cause fighting among children.
• Fairness issues. Children are always demanding equality and often fight for what they perceive as their natural rights. Older siblings who have to take on household chores or look after their younger brothers and sisters may resent this responsibility, while younger siblings may feel unhappy about staying home when their older siblings get to go out.
• Jealousy. The academic achievement of one sibling and praise by the parents tend to evoke anger and jealousy in the sibling who is somewhat weaker in studies.

Taking Charge of Matters

Taking charge sometimes may just mean letting your children scream it out. As long as neither of them is in danger of getting hurt, try to let your kids resolve their own issues and avoid stepping in for as long as you can. However, if things do get out of hand, here are some tips in which you can use to resolve the issues.

• Time-out. Sometimes children need their own space and a little time away from each other. Send them to their respective rooms till they cool off.
• Don't choose sides. Never compare your children even if one always gets into trouble and the other is an angel. This may only cause resentment among your children. Furthermore, the relationship between you and your children may also be strained if you prefer one to the other.
• Teach compromise. Teach your children how to resolve issues in a way that makes them both satisfied. Ask them to stop shouting and for each of them to voice out their side of the story. Listen and then ask them to come up with a solution that makes both of them happy. If they can't come up with any ideas, then you introduce a solution, such as giving them each a set time to play with the new toy they were fighting over.

Most of the time, arguments among siblings often stop before much damage is done. But in some cases, the fighting may come to a point where one sibling is emotionally or physically abused. Parents need to step in if there is repeated hitting, teasing or belittling, which are all forms of sibling abuse. If things are too much for you to handle, call your child's paediatrician or a mental health provider for help. Resolve matters before they get out of hand!

The hype of influenza A (H1N1) has created much anxiety among Malaysians over the past year, despite the availability of vaccination and preventive measures. Just like most parents, Abdullah Afandi did not expect his 8-year-old son to be diagnosed with H1N1, much less himself and his wife as well.

Just the Normal Flu?

“I promised my son, Daniel, a Sony Playstation Portable (PSP) and we went to Kuala Lumpur together. Despite having a slight fever the previous day, he was pretty much himself. However, after the purchase, he was not enthusiastic at all over his new toy. He just sat quietly on the way home and hardly played with his toy upon reaching home. I knew something was up with my son,” said Abdullah.

Abdullah and his wife, Nor Shafina, brought their son to the clinic where the doctor prescribed some medication for fever, flu and cough. At the same time, Abdullah was having a slight fever as well. After a day of rest and some over-the-counter medication, Abdullah recovered and went back to work. Daniel got better too and was healthy enough to go back to school after three days. However, Daniel’s health took a turn for the worse just after that.

“When he returned from school, he just slept the whole afternoon. His eyes were swollen and he complained of hunger. But after eating only 2-3 mouthfuls he felt full. Daniel also had a hard time keeping his eyes open during this time and kept wanting to go back to sleep,” Abdullah elaborated further.

It’s H1N1!

Abdullah and his wife immediately took their only child to the hospital the next day. The doctor carried out blood tests and throat swabs. Daniel was diagnosed with a bacterial infection and was sent home with medication. Later that night, further test results confirmed Daniel was positive with H1N1.

The Road to Recovery

“It was a shock when we heard the news. It was already hard on us seeing our only son look so sick and lethargic, not his usual self at all. With the diagnosis of H1N1, we were very worried about how the outcome may be even with treatment available.”

Abdullah and his wife warded Daniel at the same hospital the next day. The doctor set him up for a course of medication for H1N1 before testing the parents for the H1N1 virus. It was not a surprise that both of them had contracted the virus as well. Apart from the slight fever that Abdullah had, the both did not show any other symptoms at all. To be on the safe side, the parents checked into the ward as well to better monitor their medication and progress to recovery. All three of them showed a speedy recovery as their condition improved. By the third day, the family was discharged from the hospital. Daniel was showing signs of colour and was much more active.

Taking Cautionary Steps

Nor Shafina did not waste any time in disinfecting their house once they were home. All bed sheets were stripped off and cleaned, with new ones replacing them. Windows were kept open to allow air circulation in the house. Furniture was sterilised with antibacterial sanitisers and hands were kept clean with hand sanitisers. Abdullah and his family quarantined themselves for another one week before they were confirmed fully recovered.

Because all three of them had to be quarantined, only Abdullah left the house to buy daily necessities. He wore a mask and kept to places that were not crowded. Whenever he left the house and back, he cleaned his hands with an antibacterial sanitiser. Neighbours who knew about their predicament wanted to visit, but were advised not to until after the quarantine period and the family declared to have recovered completely.

“It’s easy to think that these things happen to others and not to ourselves. But in reality, getting ill can happen to anyone and it is important to take the proper measures in preventing the virus from spreading. I would like to think that we are lucky as our whole family recovered without any serious complications. Through it all we turned to God to give us the strength to face the illness and with His grace we got through.”

Gone are the days where only adults used mobile phones. Today, seeing a child without a mobile phone is quite rare, especially in the urban areas. In fact, children as young as 8 years old today have their own mobile phones at their disposal. That said, it may come as no surprise that you may soon find your children pestering you for their own mobile phones soon (if they do not have one already).

Should Junior Get a Phone?

Consider the following issues to help you make a decision on whether or not to get your child his own mobile phone:

• It is convenient. Parents can afford to relax a little when their child is not home, knowing that both parents and child are only a phone call away. The mobile phone also provides an immediate contact to family members, and also to the police, ambulance and fire department.

• Teaching responsibility. Your child has to learn how to take care of his own phone, and be responsible for the calls, messages, photos or downloads made.

• Risk exposing children to vices. Your child may experience incidences like phone bullying and in more serious cases, paedophilia, now that they are easily contacted.

• Deterioration of social skills. Using the mobile phone as a tool to communicate with others may contribute to their child’s lack of opportunity to socialise with both friends and family.

Phone Safety

There’s no telling the possible dangers that comes along with phone usage. Nevertheless, there are ways in which you, as a parent, can teach your child to control and minimise the risks.

• Discuss and set rules with your child. Let him know under what conditions can he use the phone, how often he will be able to use it and how much money should be allocated for the phone usage.

• Purchase an appropriate phone. Don’t spoil him with the fanciest one with all the unnecessary functions that a child does not need. This may leave you very little control over what he does with the phone.

• Remind him to be focused and remember his phone manners. Avoid sending SMS while walking as he may trip, or eat while fidgeting with the phone.

• Privacy protection. Teach him not to simply give out personal information, his own or yours that might compromise your family’s safety. This includes names, phone numbers, addresses and pictures. It is safest to not respond to unknown numbers, strangers or spams – both calls or SMS.

• Don’t fall victim to scams. Teach your child to be wary of offers they might receive through their phones. For example, premium rates to enter competitions, to purchase ringtones and games and to enter social networks. Charges may quickly mount up, even if your child is not responsible for it.

• Talk to him about phone bullying. Let him know that he should not respond to any rude or nasty messages. Instead, ask him to save the offensive messages and to notify you immediately.

Expanding your family is great news to you and your spouse, but to your child, a new baby may bring about a lot of uncertainties. Some children may feel abandoned now that they are no longer the centre of attention, while others may relish the role of an older sibling.

In short, there is no way to tell how your child might react. However, as parents, you want things to run smoothly between your older child and his younger sibling. Therefore, it is essential for you to know what you can do to maintain the harmony between the siblings.

Planning Ahead

The sooner your older child knows about the arrival of his new sibling, the better. This can help him to adapt to the adjustments that may come. Ensure that before the baby arrives, you:

• Inform him about his new sibling. The earlier you let him know, the more time you have to prepare him for the arrival of the new sibling. This will also be an excellent opportunity for you to talk to him and clarify his doubts and excite him about his new role.

• Involve him in preparations to welcome the new baby. You may decorate the newborn’s room together and pick potential baby names together. Make him feel like part of the process.

• Share your experience with him. Bring him along to your monthly check-ups. This gives him the opportunity to learn about and witness the progression of his new sibling. You would be surprised how the sound of the heartbeat can excite your child and change his feelings.

• Explain to him what will happen when the new baby arrives. Let him know beforehand that you may be tired most of the time and the baby will most probably be the centre of attention because he requires extra care. Also, let him know that the baby will not do much at first except eat, sleep and cry. Giving him a realistic idea will reduce the shock when it happens.

The Arrival!

While you may have fully prepared your older child before the birth of your new baby, his behavior may change when the baby arrives. This is common, as children do not know how to control their feelings, especially when he sees family members paying more attention to the new baby. Don’t fret, as your child just needs some time to adjust.

• Let him be Mummy’s Helper. Get him involved in the care of your new arrival. For instance, ask him to hand you the diapers while you are changing the baby or keep an eye on the baby whilst you use the bathroom. His involvement will make him think that he still matters to you.

• Ask for his opinion. Ease him into the older brother or sister role by having your child help you make decisions about the baby. For example, when choosing an outfit for the new baby, let him decide on the colour of the clothing.

• Listen to his feelings. Your older child will get frustrated at times, especially when you are unable to spend time with him (eg; you are nursing your baby but he wants to play cars with you). When a situation like that occurs, acknowledge his feelings. Let him know that you are aware of his disappointment and you will make it up to him later.

• Spend one-on-one time. When your baby is sleeping, spend time with your older child. In fact, let your partner take care of the baby if you need to. Spending one-on-one time will make him feel special and loved.

• Praise him. Shower your older child with praises each time you see him showing interest in helping you care for his younger sibling. Believe it or not, praises that comes with hugs and kisses can go a long way.

What is Neglect?

The dictionary definition of neglect is “to disregard; to leave undone or unattended.” Child neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse and the most lethal. Neglect refers to maltreatment by the parent or caregiver who either deliberately or by extraordinary inattentiveness allows the child to experience avoidable suffering.

Types of Neglect

Neglect is typically categorised into three forms.

Physical and medical neglect. This is by far the most common form of neglect. It includes refusing to seek appropriate and timely medical care for the child; abandoning the child; leaving him unsupervised at too young an age; and failing to provide shelter and adequate nutrition.

Educational neglect. This happens when a child is allowed to be absent from school without good reason for long periods of time; is not enrolled in school despite being of school-going age; or is deprived of special education when he clearly requires it.

Psychological or emotional neglect. This type of neglect is difficult to recognise. Parents may withhold affection as a form of discipline but neglect can result when indifference becomes the norm and parents become oblivious to a child’s psychological needs. Refusing to touch a child, ridiculing him and isolating him from his friends and family members may inflict serious emotional and psychological damage to his psyche. Parents who allow their children to use drugs and alcohol are also guilty of psychological neglect.

Occasional Neglect?

Many a time neglect occurs due to what we consider at that point of time to be situations beyond our control. Whilst awaiting the arrival of a new maid or domestic help, an older sibling may be left with the responsibility to clean and care for the younger children while we attend to matters outside our home. Granted that it is healthy for children to assume household responsibilities at an early age, they should never be forced to be parental substitutes. It is a burden they cannot be expected to shoulder.

How Can I Make it Stop?

It can be really frustrating and even embarrassing when your toddler throws a tantrum in public. Save yourself the embarrassment and take these steps to defuse the situation:

• Distract him. Take your toddler to a different environment or offer him a replacement.
• Make him laugh. Goofy faces or funny voices can make him forget the reason why he sulked in the first place.
• Act normal. Pretend that he is Little Mr. Invisible. If he calls you, keep your cool. Your toddler cries to gain attention, so when he receives none, he would eventually give up and stop.
• Leave him. If all fails, turn away from your toddler. When you don’t react, he may give up.
• However, make sure he is within your reach.

Can I Prevent Tantrums?

• Avoid triggers. Take note of the things or places that trigger your toddler’s tantrums and try to avoid those places.
• Not on an empty stomach. Observe his needs. Do not go out when he is hungry or tired. Bring along a snack just in case he gets hungry.
• Provide options. Instead of you making the decision, let him take charge occasionally. For example, ask him whether he prefers a banana or an apple. His participation can reduce the risk of him throwing tantrums.
• Praise him. If he behaves well, let him know. When he feels good, tantrums are less likely to occur. Everyone could use a compliment, even you.

Tips for Parents to Stay Stress-Free

You need to take care of yourself since tantrums can be stressful.

• Here are several steps that can help you feel better: Once you have developed a strategy to lessen tantrums, stick to it. Consistency helps your toddler to behave better in future.
• Do not rush for changes. It takes time for your toddler to change his behaviour.

Bad Experience. Almost everyone has at least one food that they will not eat because it made them ill on one occasion. This is a good example of how one bad experience is enough for the person to associate the food with negative outcomes.

Learned Aversion. Between the ages of four and eight years, children learn by watching others, which foods are perceived to be disgusting, and thus, should be avoided. In other words, they are taught to avoid certain foods.

Undesirable Texture. Slimy, gooey, mushy and gelatinous foods are those that are more often perceived as “disgusting”. People generally dislike the way such food feels in their mouth, causing them to shun such food.

Maximise Enjoyment, Minimise Repulsion
Parents can actually get their children to eat just about anything. The key to preventing such aversions to food begins at a young age. Here’s how you can help your children enjoy their food in four simple steps:

1. Present Food in a Positive Light. Present food in an attractive and interesting manner. Arrange food in animal shapes or pair new food with something that your child likes. Highlight the fun of food preparation and cooking by involving your child.
2. Be a Good Role Model. It all begins with you, the parent. If you have your own reservations about food, keep it to yourself. Instead, enjoy a variety of foods with your children. Children are more likely to accept food when others around them are eating it as well.
3. Consistently Offer a Variety. Repeated exposure to an initially disliked food can break down the child’s resistance. You can start off by giving small amounts of the new food and pair it with something your child likes, and slowly increase the amount of the new food as your child slowly accepts it. You can also try different methods of preparing the same food, such as roasting, puréeing or boiling.
4. Don’t Pressure Your Child to Eat. Children who are pressured to eat are more likely to dislike the food that is forced onto them. Pressuring children will adversely affect their emotional state and this will lead to negative associations with the presented food.

Parenting Twins As Individuals
Encouraging individuality in twins is important.
Here are some tips on how you can raise your twins to be wonderful individuals!

By Ms Cheong Sau Kuan, Clinical Psychologist

As a parent, you are encouraged to raise your twins as individuals from a young age so that they can go through various developmental processes to differentiate and develop the ability to optimally express themselves as individuals. Here are some tips to help encourage individuality in your twins.

What You Can Do

Encourage individuality in your twins. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to raise your twins to be unique and wonderful individuals.

Twins should not be seen as a package. You may be captivated by the novelty of a ‘double’. Start seeing your twins as two persons, rather than one.

Dedicate one-on-one time. Make effort everyday to cuddle, talk or enjoy an activity alone with each child. Your twins will feel that they are being listened to as one person as there is individual attention, and you can also better appreciate them as individuals.

Adapt your parenting according to the needs of individual child. Parent your child in ways that suit them best and address their needs independently.

Never compare the twins. Just like other children, your twins may develop at their individual pace and time, each with his own talents, which they will need to explore for themselves.

Find out what their interests are. Twins can have very different interests and even preferences for varied things. Encourage them to pursue their own individual interests, hobbies and friends.

Praise them individually. This is part and parcel of encouraging individual interests in them. They will appreciate your assurance in the things that they do by themselves.

Consider enrolling your twins in separate classes or social activities. This will help encourage them to meet other children while allowing them to explore what they love to do.

Teach Self-Respect!
Self-respect leads to respecting others, too.

By Dr Goh Chee Leong, Psychologist

Reason Together
As a parent you have the authority to make the final decisions in the house. However, it is important to explain your decisions to your child if he happens to disagree. By helping him understand the logic behind your decisions, he will be less likely to harbour resentment. This also sends the message that you respect his ability to reason and to understand other points of view.

Embrace Individuality
Help your child discover, celebrate and develop his talents. This reminds him that he has unique gifts and talents to be proud of. He will be encouraged to express himself in areas like art, language, music, dance, drama or sports. Your child will respect his abilities and be confident in himself.

Disciplining with Love and Respect
When disciplining your child, you should focus on criticising the behavior rather than the person. You can communicate clearly about the wrong behavior; for example, saying something like, “When you do this, I feel afraid because it is dangerous” or “I felt angry when you did that because you hurt someone else.” Avoid using humiliation as a form of discipline. Instead, teach your child that he should learn from mistakes and that, in spite of his faults, he is still loved and respected.

Managing A Developing Child
A developing child can be a handful especially during the first few years of life.
Here’s what you can do to manage his behaviour without compromising his development.

By Ms Cheong Sau Kuan, Clinical Psychologist

Creating A Happy Home

A happy home deriving from a happy family
is an ideal we all aspire to. Can it be achieved in today’s context?

Time With The Family

Research has shown that family quality time often contributes to a child’s
positive upbringing. However, with our busy schedules, this is something that
is lacking in today’s families. Create family quality time again to help build a happy home.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Deputy Director-General (Policy),
National Population and Family Development Board Malaysia

Interacting With Your Child

One of the best ways to ensure a happy and positive child is
by constant interaction with the parents. Here are some ideas on how
you can promote healthy interaction with your child regardless of age.

By Assoc Prof Dr M Swamenathan, Psychiatrist

Raising A Smart Child

What does it really mean to be ‘smart’ and what can you do to cultivate it in your child?

By Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin, Consultant Clinical Psychologist

A report card adorned with ‘A’s will elicit an admiring, “Wow, your child is really smart!” Sure, grade count, but there is more to being smart. A smart child interacts positively with others, is able to cope academically, is mentally and physically healthy and is willing to explore the world. Every parent wants a ‘smart’ child. Here is how you can start nurturing yours:

More Than Saying “I Love You”

Express your love for your child by nurturing her sense of security, self-worth and significance.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Director of Family Development, National Population and Family Development Malaysia

Children with good social skills usually have healthy self-esteem. They tend to smile more readily, feel good about themselves and generally find it easier to handle difficulties. All these qualities make them more likeable and agreeable, thus making them more friends, as a result.

On the other hand, children who have low self-esteem tend to face challenges with anxiety and frustration. Thinking poorly of themselves and harbouring self-critical thoughts (“I’m no good’ or ’I can’t do anything right”), they have a hard time finding solutions. Becoming passive, withdrawn or depressed only makes it harder for them to develop friendships.

As a parent, your role in building your child’s self esteem begins from very early in her life. As an infant, everything she does is difficult – even rolling over or taking the first tentative steps. Encourage her efforts and when she finally succeeds, be sure to lavish her with praise.

From toddlerhood and onwards, your child will start forming conclusions about herself. It’s important that you help her succeed in the things she tries to do – whether it’s learning a new skill or playing a new game. Using words she can understand, tell her what to do or not to do. After she’s done it, tell her how well she performed. Knowing she did something right will boost her self-esteem. In turn, this will give her greater confidence to take on new challenges.

GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS

Your child has every right to expect that relationships with others will be rewarding. However, you have to first demonstrate it in your own relationship with her.

Children who display high levels of social competence typically enjoy parent-child relationships that are characterised by agreeable interactions, acceptance and a high degree of sensitivity to each other’s cues. Parents in such relationships also minimise the use of physical punishment and force.

In this kind of relationship, you can help your child develop good social skills by doing the following:

• Establish and keep repeating a set of rules or standards for acceptable behaviour, eg “Respect ourselves, others and things”.
  
  
• Be aware of the behaviour you model. Every time you talk kindly to her, you are teaching her how to talk kindly to others.
  
  
• Play allows a child to learn crucial skills. So, play with your child in a ‘peer-like’ way, just for the sake of having fun. Avoid criticising her and don’t be too directive. Instead, laugh and smile often. This will make your child feel that she is a good play partner and, in turn, make her eager to play with others.
  
  
• From an early age, give your child opportunities to play with her peers. She will clearly be at an advantage when she enters more formal group settings, like preschool.
  
  
• Based on what happens each day, talk with your child about social relationships and values. Do it in an enjoyable conversational way and avoid lecturing her. This kind of interaction tells your child that you have an interest in her well-being and provides a time for swapping information and discussing problems.
  
  
• Encourage positive behaviour by teaching your child specific social skills, like how to consider the feelings of others. For example, if your child hits another, tell her, “You hurt that little boy and made him cry.”
  
  
• Don’t just TELL, but TEACH, your child to share. Have her take turns with the other children. Divide the toys up so that everyone has some. Or find a way for them all to play together with the toys.
  
  
• If your child wants to play with other children but does not know how to join in, teach her how to ask.
  
  
• Also, teach her what to say when she is hurt or bullied by other children, like “That really hurts!” and “Stop that!”• You don’t have to know the answers to all of your child’s problems but you can guide her in solving them.
  
  
• Do not dismiss your child’s concerns or trivialise their complexity by offering flippant answers.
  
  
• Social rejection makes children react with anger, dismay or passive acceptance. If your child faces rejection by her peers, do not allow her to think that it was because of a personal deficiency (eg “I’m just not much fun,” “Other kids don’t like me”). Avoid making things worse with defeatist comments, like “Maybe they don’t like you”.
  
  
• Always adopt a positive attitude when helping your child to deal with difficult social situations. Offer suggestions like, “Maybe they don’t want to play that game but another one.” Your constructiveness will help her try to improve social situations with effort and positive behaviour.

INTERVENE WISELY

Toddlers need constant supervision. However, as research has shown, parents’ doting presence and constant interference does not benefit children as they grow older. In fact, their development of social skills may be impeded.

Thus, if your child has to struggle (let’s say in pre-school) to make friends, let her. Unless really necessary, do not interfere too readily or force social situations to her advantage. The experience will teach her to recognise and handle different circumstances.

The best thing for you to do is to keep assuring her that you are her unconditional friend. And that you’ll always be around to guide and encourage her as she goes through the joys and pains of making friends.

RIGHT NUTRITION

From a baby in your arms to the strapping youth he will become, your child needs the right nutrition for each stage of his development.

When an infant, let him feed upon your breast and receive the complete nourishment that a mother can give. As he grows older, let his body and mind thrive on a well-balanced diet that supplies complex carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals, fibre, protein and also fats in the right proportions.

Contending with quirky eating habits and finicky appetites can be a challenge, particularly during your child’s toddlerhood or pre-school years. Avoid fretting or worrying if you don’t seem to be making any headway. It can be tough and frustrating but rest assured, your child will not starve himself to death. Therefore, there is no need for threats and force; instead, encourage him with love and patience. He will eat when he’s good and ready. However, if your child’s body weight and overall health appears to be declining, consult the doctor.

Other than that, you should enthusiastically continue offering nutritious foods. Those that are wholesome, fresh, fortified or enriched are good choices. Give each of them a place and time in your child’s day. Like a glass of milk to start off his morning, another to see him through the afternoon. Or
vitamin-enriched snacks for an added boost, and refreshing fruits after dinner.

Milk is a good source of nutrients (such as energy, protein, vitamins, calcium and other minerals). As such, it would be ideal for your child to keep drinking it throughout his growing years.

Many children in Malaysia tend to go off milk from as early as two or three years of age. Offering milk with an easy-to-digest formula during this formative period could help him stay on milk for longer.

Providing right nutrition is an indispensible part of the joy of watching him grow up happy, healthy, energetic and ever ready to discover the world of exciting possibilities that life has to offer.

LOVING PROTECTION

Your child is vulnerable. So positive parenting is about exercising foresight to protect him and teaching him to fend for himself.

Imagine being a child yourself. What hazards would you encounter? Prevent those that cause or contribute to falls and tumbles, motor vehicle accidents, drowning, poisoning, burns & scalds, and choking and strangulation. Never abuse your child, no matter what the reason.

Another threat is disease. Those like hepatitis, tuberculosis, polio and so on, are more than your child’s immune system can bear. Have him vaccinated against them, faithfully and on schedule. Yes, each visit to the doctor can be very stressful for him and you. But gently help him endure each ‘ordeal’. A child’s tears are a small price to pay for protecting his life.

Common illnesses – like coughs, colds, sore throats, diarrhoea and so on – are part and parcel of growing up. While not dangerous when compared with certain other viral and bacterial infections, common illnesses still have to be properly managed. They can get in the way of his development by
interrupting his learning and socialising. They can also present the risk of complications which tend to be more serious.

Right nutrition does play a role in keeping your child healthy. For instance, the so-called ‘anti-oxidants' – vitamins A, C, E and beta-carotene – can help strengthen his body’s resistance against certain illnesses. Good sources include fruits and vegetables, along with fortified milks.

But nutrition is one thing. It is just as important to ensure a healthy environment around your child – whether at home, in pre-school or elsewhere. Also, he needs to be taught good hygiene practices (like washing his hands) and other behaviours that prevent infections (eg not sharing eating plates, cups and utensils) outside the home.

LEARNING AND PLAYING

Positive parenting is about getting involved in your child’s learning experience. Yes, he has to learn the three Rs, but there is so much more. What about learning about himself – his identity, abilities, limitations, emotions?

The first six years of life set the foundation for formal learning. So, make the most of that time. Talk to him to help him speak. Show him pictures to teach the written word. Play games to help him count. With all these, he will be more than ready for the intellectual and academic pursuits that begin with pre-school.

Don’t be surprised at how much he can learn from the examples others set. Within a loving and caring family environment, he can learn love, mutual respect, a sense of consideration and self-discipline. Even his inclinations can be similarly influenced; he will be more likely to practise healthy eating habits and enjoy sports or physical activity if these are a part of the family’s lifestyle.

Your child is constantly learning by watching you. So set a good example and watch what you do.

MAKING FRIENDS BEGINS AT HOME

In positive parenting, there is yet a fourth R that needs to be reckoned with. It stands for relationships. Your child needs the ability to form healthy relationships with adults and peers, not only for social reasons but also for the sake of his mental and emotional well-being.

But making friends involves making himself likeable in proper ways (like sharing and taking turns) and learning how to engage others. As a parent, provide every opportunity for your child to practise these skills.

Especially during his first three years, spend time playing with him. These occasions will be invaluable for making him think he’s a worthy play partner and do wonders for his self-confidence. When he is older, be sure to allow him to play with other children and later on, to invite them home on occasion.

But even for supremely self-confident children, a parent’s counsel can go a long way in avoiding unnecessary social fumbling and humiliation. It also helps to protect your child’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth in the face of peer rejection. Congratulate his success in making friends and help him find ways to gain acceptance when it is harder to come by.

Remember, you have to let him make his friends for himself and learn to deal with the pains of rejection. Resist the temptation to make friends for him or to intervene too readily when you see your child facing difficulties. You will play a more constructive role by coaching him from the sidelines. The constancy of your friendship, your positive attitude and your moral support is all he needs to win this game that he has to play on his own.

BEYOND CHILDHOOD

Positive parenting is about working with your child to achieve wonderful dreams. From the foundation set by a happy and healthy childhood, he will flourish and be all that he can be.

Research shows that the later half of the first year is when the foundation for emotional development is laid down. During this time, a child needs to develop a sense of stability and security. This comes from having a consistent, nurturing and responsive care provider.

Intellectual needs

Brain development is most rapid from birth to five years old. Your child needs intellectual stimulation. This does not mean formalised teaching but simply an environment that allows him to play, discover, explore in a safe manner and learn at his own pace.

Deciding who will care for your child can be tough. Do not rush into it. Instead, take time to discuss and agree first with your spouse:

1. How much income does your family need and how will you achieve this?
2. What are your roles? Will one work full-time while the other care for child? If both continue to work, who will care for child?
3. How can you make this arrangement work?

The best decision is what works for your child and your family. Once you have agreed, find a way tha you, your spouse – and childminder, if you decide on one – can work together to ensure quality care that will meet your child’s needs in his formative years.

“My Baby, Myself ”

If you decide to care for your child yourself, congratulations! It is important that you are there for your child – not just physically but mentally and emotionally – particularly in the early years when he is dealing with the basic issues of security and trust. Here is how you can give your very best to your child:

Spouse support
A stay-at-home mom who positively affects her child is one who has the support of her spouse. Help him understand what you are experiencing and involve him in raising your child together.

Find your network
If you do not have relatives, find a network of like-minded moms. Not only can you exchange babysitting hours, a network gives you a social outlet and much-needed encouragement.

Acquire knowledge
As there is no formal “training” to be a mother, take the initiative to read up on child development and parenting. Your child will benefit from a knowledgeable and well-informed mother.

Be realistic
Not every moment you spend with baby will be perfect. There will be boring hours, there will be pangs of loneliness. Along with the joys, be prepared for the frustrations.

Maintain balance
As with every job, you need time-off. Once or twice a week, go for a jog, take a long relaxing bath or meet a friend for coffee. This will do wonders for your attitude and coping ability.

Spend quality time together
You may be with your child 24/7, but quality time is not about you doing housework while your child entertains himself in front of the television. Mealtimes or homework sessions do not count either. Do something meaningful together every day: read a book, sing some songs or play a game.

“What if I can’t stay home?”

When staying home to care for your child is not possible, do not feel guilty. Instead, put your energy into finding the best possible care provider for your child – this may be your own parents or parents-in-law, a babysitter, a maid or childcare centre. But before you make your choice, there are several things you and your spouse need to understand and accept:

Be considerate
Do not take advantage of your childminder’s flexibility. Be considerate and understand that they need time-off too. Care for them so that they can care for your child.

Accept their limitations
Because childminders – particularly grandparents, babysitters or maids are rarely trained in child development, intellectual stimulation will be minimal. Compensate for this during the time you have with your child.

Give and take
While basic values and approaches must be followed, your childminder does not have to do things exactly the same way you do. As long as your child’s safety is not jeopardised or your authority undermined, try to compromise. Different caring styles will not harm your child.

Bagging a good babysitter

Home-based babysitters usually come by word-of-mouth recommendations. That may give you some form of assurance, but do not take anything for granted. There is more to childcare than good food, a clean house and babysitting experience.

• Find out about the babysitter personally: what are her beliefs, values, approach to childcare.
  
• Visit the babysitter’s home. Is it clean? Are there any potential safety problems?
  
• How many children is she caring for, including her own?
  
• Observe the children in her care: how do they behave?
  
• Who else lives with her? Does she have regular visitors to the house?
  
• What if she has to leave the house for an emergency? Who is her backup?
  
• Is she running other businesses from home apart from babysitting?

Most babysitters are unlicensed, so it is up to you to monitor the quality of care your child is receiving. Give a call or pay a surprise visit once in a while.

Bringing home the maid

Even with video conferencing services today, finding a good maid can still be a challenge. Use a reputable agency and be specific on the type of maid you want to care for your child.While you will be hard pressed to find a maid who understands child development and can stimulate your child intellectually, a good maid can provide emotional stability. Key things to find out are:

• Does she love children?
• Does she have childcare experience?
• Is she psychologically sound?
• What is her culture, values and beliefs?
• Is she able to stay long?

Close supervision is important, particularly when your maid is new and still adapting to your home and how you want your child to be cared for.

Make it clear to your maid that she is your child’s caregiver, not his servant. There are things your child must do himself – for instance, pick up his toys or wash his own cup after drinking. Only by doing things himself will he learn to be independent and experience the satisfaction of accomplishment.

Many Malaysian parents worry that their children will pick up poor language or wrong behaviours from their maids. The consequences depend on how much time you spend with your child: do you take over when you come home or is your maid practically raising your child for you?

Checking out the childcare centres

If grandparents, a babysitter or maid is not for you, you might want to consider sending your child to a childcare centre.With so many choices out there, you need to do some research and talk to other parents to narrow down your options. Armed with a list of possibilities, the ‘investigation’ begins:

Registration, please?
The most important thing is to check if the centre has been registered with the Social Welfare Department. Ask also if the staff have undergone any basic childcare course.

Go see for yourself
Is the centre clean, cheerful, spacious and airy? Look for safety measures: Are there sharp corners? Are the toys free of small parts? Are the sink and toilet child-sized?

Observe
Watch how the staff and children interact with one another. Do the children seem happy and productively occupied? Are the staff responsive to the children’s needs?

Schedule of activities
A schedule should have age-appropriate activities and enough time for play and rest. Too many academic activities may mean minimum attention to emotional development.

Continuation of care
Children thrive when the care they receive at home is similar to the centre’s. Ask about the centre’s values and views on discipline.

Parenting cannot be delegated to the childminder. You must play your part to make it work and for this, there will be sacrifices.Whether it is making more time with your child or visiting his centre more often, do what it takes to ensure that he receives the best care – from his childminder and from you.

A positive approach to parenting will enable you to anticipate and respond appropriately to your child’s changing physical, intellectual, emotional, social and nutritional needs. This begins with love and an understanding of the ages and stages of growth.

THE FIRST 12 MONTHS

Your baby is born and so begins the most exhausting stage of parenting – a 12-month blur of feeding, bathing, nappy changing and visiting the doctor for consultation and having your child vaccinated. All this keeps you on your toes. But watching your baby visibly grow and progress makes everything worthwhile.

AGES 1, 2, 3

Your child’s first birthday is the sign of more delights to come. A toddler now, he recognises you as his source of emotional security and comfort. He plays with you and responds with gestures, like holding up his arms to be picked up and cuddled.

At two, he is walking and running around. With eye-hand coordination improved, he plays with larger objects, like a favourite ball or toy. Increasing selfconfidence leads him to venture further away from you. He gladly plays alongside other children but not actually with them. Through his simple words and sentences, he begins to tell you what’s on his mind.

By three, your toddler is climbing, jumping and playing with smaller objects. He names colours and shapes, and speaks in multi-word sentences. Now playing with other children, he begins to learn how to share and handle his emotions.

Your toddler can be quite demanding during this stage. So, you need to strike a balance between giving in to him and teaching him to respect your parental authority. Resistance, defiance and tantrums are to be expected, showing all the more that he needs to learn limits and discipline.

FROM 4 TO 6

During this stage, your child’s growth rate is generally slow and steady, but he continues changing visibly. He gains a little height and weight, his limbs lengthen, his teeth keep developing, and he grows stronger, more agile and physically coordinated.

Having a larger vocabulary than before, he is now able to hold prolonged conversations and express his ideas. Listen and you will see the wonder of the world through his eyes.

Now attending kindergarten or pre-school, your child will learn so many things – from his ABCs, 1-2-3s, colours and songs... to the skills for getting along with other children. He learns not just from watching or listening to his teachers (and you, for that matter) but also from interacting with his peers.

As your child’s immune system is still developing, being and playing with his friends tends to increase his exposure to common infections, like the flu, colds, coughs, fever, diarrhoea and so on. Bouts of illnesses are a natural part of growing up; however, be sure to consult the doctor if they occur too frequently or develop into serious complications.

6 AND BEYOND

Primary school begins, bringing along the usual gamut of tuition, music lessons, sports and recreational activities. What other people think and do – particularly if they are your child’s teachers, friends or heroes – start to matter a little more than before.They can influence his interests, attitudes and behaviour. Even what and how he eats can be influenced in this way.

These are surprising years as your child becomes more independent with ideas and opinions of his own. But it would be unwise to leave him entirely to his own devices. He still needs help in distinguishing right from wrong, good from bad, and what’s proper. He also needs to know that you are interested in how he’s doing. Praise, encouragement, guidance and yes, discipline, are the signs of attention that he will recognise and love you for.

So, take part in his life and experience the joys of positive parenting.