Positive Parenting

Handling Relationship Stress Whilst Raising a Child
Keyword # 1: Parenting Together
When Parents Argue
Revive The Spark!
Getting Along Nice and Easy with Your In-Laws
Sharing Is Caring
Fight Fair
Ready, Set, Plan
Is Your Home A Battle Zone?
From two to three
And baby makes three
A little more conversation

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Pregnancy Nutrition
Labour & Birth
Medical Conditions
Post Natal Care
Parenting
You & Your Spouse
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Handling Relationship Stress Whilst Raising a Child

Having a baby may change your relationship with your spouse. Find out how you can manage this change for the better.

By Dr Khamsiah Ismail, Head of Counselling Unit, LPPKN.

The transition to parenthood will undoubtedly change the dynamics between you and your spouse. Many couples experience a strain on their relationship after having a baby. In fact, research has consistently shown that there will be a period of decline in marital satisfaction while the new parents adjust to their new roles. Learn how you can rebound from this slight relationship “road bump” and strengthen your marriage.

Why?

Among the reasons that can contribute to the deterioration of the relationship in the initial stages of parenthood are:
• Spending less time with your partner. • Changes in communication pattern. • Unrealistic expectations between spouses. • Postnatal depression and decrease in self-esteem.

It Does Matter

A healthy, happy relationship between parents greatly affects a child’s emotional, cognitive and behavioural development as children learn from examples parents set. Here are some ways on how you can cope with your new responsibilities whilst maintaining a healthy bond with your spouse:

• Parenting together. Two is always better than one, so do the parenting tasks together. For example, give your baby baths together. Being able to share these precious moments with your child together can do wonders to deepen your bond with your spouse.

• Communicate more. The more you communicate, the better. It helps clarify your expectations of each other and reduce conflict between spouses. Feeling uncomfortable to voice out? Use other outlets such as writing down what you feel. Your other half deserves to know what you are feeling.

• Relive the pre-marriage days. Go on dates, just the two of you, like you used to in your courting days. Plan a romantic dinner at a favourite restaurant or catch a romance comedy at the movies. Surprise your spouse with love messages or flowers. Enjoy those pleasurable moments as it will help the both of you keep in touch as a couple.

• Look after yourself. Recovery from birth takes time and doesn’t always happen as quickly as anticipated. Make an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle together with your partner. Do light exercises together and take regular, healthy meals. Try some relaxation techniques. When you are healthy, you will feel happy and your baby needs just that from parents.

• Be realistic. Do not expect too much of yourself too soon or push yourself to fulfil your spouse’s expectations. Help your spouse to understand that you need help for tasks and responsibilities you are not able to cope with, especially when either of you are on your own after the birth.

• Get help from others. Talking to someone else can be a relief. If you feel uncomfortable sharing the experience that you have been through with friends or relatives, counsellors or therapists can be a better option. They will be able to help you understand any present discomfort and anxiety and make you feel better about yourself.

Hard Pressed for Time?

Your baby’s arrival could mean that you now have less time for yourself and your spouse. Here are some ideas on how you can earn a little more time with your spouse:

1. Call in the troops! Get somebody to watch over your child while you and your spouse get out of the house to reconnect. You may feel reluctant to leave your child at first, but appreciate this well deserved time-off.

2. Seize the moment. Resist the urge to turn on the television or focus on your work each time your baby settles in for a nap. Instead, use these moments to snuggle with your spouse or enjoy a meal together. It is in these simple moments that you can “find” time.

3. Little efforts. Small gestures like leaving your spouse little “love notes”, giving each other daily hugs and kisses or gentle touches and rubs can go a long way in your relationship. These may not take a lot of time, but they can leave a lasting effect on your spouse’s mind.

Keyword # 1: Parenting Together

The arrival of a newborn marks an important milestone in a relationship. And when it comes to parenting and responsibilities, the key word is ‘parenting together’.

By Associate Professor Dr M Swamenathan, Psychiatrist.

Parenting is a heavy yet rewarding responsibility. A child’s development depends on how parents work together. Studies show that a child benefits in various ways when both parents actively take on the responsibilities of upbringing the child. Developments like social adaptation skills and school achievement are much more positive. Moreover, parenting together contributes to a healthier relationship between the mother and the father.

Sharing is Caring…

It is important to share responsibilities as parents. Do not stress yourself by shouldering responsibilities alone. Take time to sit down with your partner and discuss each other’s responsibilities. Below are some pointers on how to manage your responsibilities as parents:

• Start early. Start preparing before your baby’s birth by discussing with your spouse your expectations of each other. This will reduce conflict and frustration between the two of you when your baby arrives, as you would both have had time to iron out your differences. Additionally, attend prenatal preparation classes with your partner. Such classes are designed to expose couples to aspects of childcare and parenting.

• Take turns. If your baby often wakes up in the wee hours, take turns to help feed the baby. This helps your wife a lot as she needs the sleep, especially for the first few weeks after childbirth. Taking turns also include household chores planning activities and many other things that involves the family.

• Trust your partner. Give your partner the space to expand his own parenting style as it is normal to have different parenting approaches. For instance, if your partner encourages curiosity, ensure that you set the boundaries so that your child will not go overboard. If there is the urge to correct each other, try to limit the “No, you should….”. Explain in a gentle manner instead.

• Open your mind. When both of you disagree on an issue, take time to see it from the other’s point of view. Most of our parenting skills usually come from our experience of growing up. Ways that was not tried on us does not always mean it will not work. Considering your partner’s perspective can be beneficial to you both.

• Compliment each other. Everyone loves the feeling of appreciated; therefore thank your partner often. You are not only being supportive, you are also doing your relationship a favour. A simple “thank you” can affirm any relationship. No time? Write a simple note and leave it at places where your partner can see. A simple gesture of a smile, coffee on the table or even a good massage works wonders.

It will be easier for both of you to parent your baby together, rather than to put the entire burden on one parent alone. Remember, the keys to effective co-parenting are communication, cooperation and compromise. Being a parent is never easy, but working as a team can be rewarding for the future.

Keyword #2: Speak Up!

The emphasis on communication between husband and wife is always stressed on. Mums, if you do not voice out that you need a break or help, your spouse will never know. And when dads are eager to help but still unsure of how, just ask for guidance. There is nothing to be shy about. Just be mindful of the approach while asking and replying especially when stress level is at rising.

When Parents Argue
Watching parents argue may be a great source of distress for children. While you may sometimes be unable to prevent these arguments, you can certainly reduce its impact.

By Associate Professor Dr M Swamenathan, Psychiatrist.

You and your spouse are having a heated argument. As your temper starts to rise, you then notice your daughter standing in the doorway of the living room. It’s clear that she has been listening to every word both you and your spouse are hurling at each other. Is this situation familiar to you? If so, you may want to sit down and think carefully about the consequences of arguing in front of your child.

Your Child is Never ‘Too Young’

You probably think that your child is too young to understand the content of your argument. It probably has never occurred that she may actually pick up the negative tone of the conversation and facial expressions Not only that, she may not realise that certain harsh expressions were uttered in the heat of the moment, and instead, may actually learn that it’s OK to call names. Worst of all, your child may experience serious psychological harm if she continues to witness you and your spouse arguing on a regular basis. No matter how old you child is, she will feel uncomfortable, awkward or depressed each time she hears your arguments. She may tend to become passiveaggressive, less socially secure, anxious, badly behaved, bed wet, withdrawn and depressed. If your child continues to live in a hostile environment, she will feel very stressed out. Negative stress should never be a part of your child’s life because it can affect her physical and mental health and predisposes her for various emotional problems in future.

Constructive Arguing

It is normal to disagree with your spouse from time to time. In fact, minor disagreements cannot be avoided. The main issue is not whether you argue or not, but how both of you argue. If your child witnesses a constructive argument (where both of you actively solve problems together while continuing to show affection to each other throughout the discussion), she may actually learn how to solve problems through compromise.

Here are some suggestions on how you can keep arguments under control and ensure that your child is not affected in a negative way:

1) Respect
Always remember to acknowledge and show respect to your spouse. Learn to listen to what your spouse is saying. Refrain from calling each other names, using foul language, raising your voices or saying things that you will regret later and worse still, attempts to assault.

2) Focus on Solution
Remember that you are trying to work out a solution, not fighting a war. You do not have to make your spouse feel wrong, in order for you to be right. Step back a little, whenever necessary to prevent the argument from going overboard (time out). Once both of you have calmed down, make the time to sit down and have a more “civilised” discussion.

3) No Sides!
Try not to involve your child as you should try your best to keep the conflict between you and your spouse. It is not fair to make your child take sides as this may cause distress in the child.

4) Learn to Apologise
Apologise to your spouse in front of your child whenever you get carried away. Saying ‘sorry’ shows your magnanimity. Let your child see that you are taking responsibility for your own words.

5) Discuss with Your Child
Some arguments may trigger your child to think that she has caused the conflict. She may also jump to conclusions and assume that both of you are going to break up. Thus, make the effort to discuss with your child after an “argument”. Explain to him or her that both mummy and daddy still love each other even though both of you sometimes disagree on things.

Remember that you are your child’s role model and she will always look up to you. So please make the effort to always show a good example by controlling your temper and managing your anger. And if you really have to ‘argue’ with your spouse, make sure that the coast is clear!

Revive The Spark!
Slowly losing that loving feeling in your marriage?
Don’t let it slide; here is how you can keep that marriage spark alive.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Deputy Director-General (Policy),
National Population and Family Development Board Malaysia

Research has shown that many marriages that end in divorces can be prevented – if the couple spent more time and effort learning the easy ways to rediscover the passion and intimacy in their marriages. There is no doubt that over the years, even the most passionate of marriages can lose some fizzle, especially if a child comes into the picture. The parents may divert all their attention on the child, forgetting their spouse and their needs. This can leave a partner feeling rejected, thus creating the early ripples in a relationship. If left unnoticed, the ripple can become a big wave, drowning everything you’ve had in your marriage, leaving you with nothing at the end of the day.

Here is the thing – great relationships take work. Maintaining a healthy and happy marriage is not an easy thing. Fortunately, there are plenty of ideas to help ensure the success of your relationship. Just make sure you make the effort to try these ideas out or even add some of your own to make it personal.

Talk, Like You Used To
Communication breakdown is the first step to an unhappy marriage. Partners who have stopped talking to each other will eventually stop caring. Don’t let this happen to you. Talk to your partner about your personal, relational and family goals and dreams. Share those talks together to create a strong bond even after many years of marriage.

Go On Dates
Don’t just centre your life around the children and your career; take some time off to enjoy each other’s company like you used to! Practise the weekly date night routine. After all, you and your spouse will need this private time to talk, share and bond. Leave the children in the care of someone you trust so you can enjoy these private moments without worrying about the children. Do something you both enjoy – whether it is a walk around the neighbourhood or even dining at your favourite restaurant.

Say “I Love You”
Many times, these simple three words have been taken for granted. To bring the spark back in your relationship, rediscover the true meaning of love. Share with your partner the three things you love about him, and ask him to do the same for you. Learn to appreciate each other again. Or make that effort for the little things to show exactly how you feel. Slip a note in his work bag or send him a random text message while at work.

Stay Physical
For marriages to work, it is important to stay attracted to one another. The first thing to do is to give your partner a passionate kiss every day to revive that spark. Make it truly sensual. Before you know it, that kiss will lead to more, leaving both of you feeling instantly recharged!

Go Away – Alone
Plan weekend getaways, without the children, at least once every three months. Studies have shown that couples who take just one vacation a year will see vast improvements in their relationships. Use the vacation time to relax and revive your relationship with your partner while enjoying quality adult time. Hire a babysitter to look after your children or let them spend their time with their grandparents. Don’t feel guilty about this alone time – you definitely won’t be at ease if all you can think about are your children!

Getting Along Nice and Easy with Your In-Laws
Your parents-in-law may sometimes drive you up the wall, but there are
some things you can do to maintain a healthy relationship with them.

By Dr Goh Chee Leong, Cognitive/Developmental Psychologist

Scenario 1
You and your spouse have agreed not to use physical punishment on your children but your in laws start complaining that the children aren’t disciplined enough and they mention that you are too soft as parents.

Scenario 2
Your father-in-law wants to take the kids out for ice-cream even though it’s way past their bedtime. You say no, but he then starts grumbling about ‘spending quality time with his grandchildren’. You know that if they have a late night, tomorrow morning is going to be a real struggle getting them out of bed.

Scenario 3
You tell your children that their TV time is up, according to the house rules, but your in laws say that you should not be so strict. You feel your authority is challenged by being contradicted in front of your child.

These three scenarios can happen to you regardless of whether you’re a new parent or about to celebrate your silver wedding anniversary. Parents-in-law can sometimes be a handful, but there are ways to manage the difficult situations they place you in and still maintain a positive relationship with them.

What You Can Do

1.	Accept and expect that personality conflicts will happen. Remember that all families go through this same process. Different generations have different ideas, and it is okay to listen to their opinions while retaining the right to disagree. Most of the time they mean well, even if they may not communicate their opinions in the most appropriate ways.

2.	Realize that you can maintain a civil relationship with your in-laws while not agreeing with them all the time. The key is learning to communicate this disagreement in a way that is respectful and polite. For example, try not to disagree with them in public so that they do not lose face.

3.	Don’t forget that as a parent, ultimately you need to make the decisions about how to raise your children. The priority should be to make decisions for the best of your children rather than to please your in-laws or parents.

4.	Ask their opinions and be open to ideas and criticism. They may be right sometimes. It takes a strong person to admit we’re wrong and to take on board constructive criticism.

5.	Be sensitive to their needs as well. The truth is that they play an important role in your child’s life and your child is a very important part of theirs. While you may not agree all the time, it is important that they be allowed to spend quality time with your children. Having great parents in law who are understanding and supportive is a blessing. Nevertheless, it is important to live harmoniously and work together well with them, while observing territorial boundaries and open communication. Remember, when all is said and done, they’re still a significant part of your family!

Having great parents in-law who are understanding and supportive is a blessing. Nevertheless, it is important to live harmoniously and work together well with them, while observing territorial boundaries and open communication. Remember, when all is said and done, they’re still a significant part of your family!

Did You Know?

If you’re afraid of your inlaws, you’re not alone. This is a surprisingly common phobia, and it’s called soceraphobia, which is defined as “a persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of parents-in-law” and causes countless people needless distress.

Trust is the Foundation.
Trust is not just about fidelity. It also means placing confidence and respect on your spouse’s character, abilities and commitment without fear of being betrayed. To trust and be trusted reflects a fundamental human need to feel safe in a relationship.
Establish Roles and Responsibilities.
Divide the household chores, including child minding. Discuss spending habits and apportion the income, particularly if yours is a dual-income family, then decide on who pays for what and how goes the budget. Finances are a major cause of rifts in a marriage. When both of you have established your roles, honour them by carrying out your respective responsibilities. However, don’t limit yourself. Disruptions can upset routines and previously agreed tasks. If one spouse is being overburdened, jump in to help. Likewise, ask for help when you need it. Sharing, after all, is caring.
Be Accountable.
Being accountable means you’ll admit to difficulties and weaknesses and work together to find different routes to success. No one is infallible. Admitting to mistakes and being willing to move past them with proactive solutions is what accountability is all about.
Maintain a United Front.
Do not undermine each other’s authority, even if you don’t agree. Do not compete for your child’s affections as it might confuse him or teach him to question you, or that he can manipulate one parent against the other. Seeing you two as a team working together in his best interest will provide him with the basis to feel safe and loved.

LISTEN UP!

According to Finnish media, Finland’s minister for culture and sports, Stefan Wallin has a message for men: “The more the fathers take responsibility for things at home, the less divorces you have,” he said. “There’s a direct correlation. It is, of course, also about respecting each other and trying to make life easier for each other.”
Research says that children who help their dads do household chores are more likely to be well adjusted and more socially aware of democratic family values and co-operation.

How to Instil Values in Your Children
through Leading by Example

“There is nothing more influential, more determinant in a child’s life than the moral power of a quiet example.” William Bennett in The Book of Virtues

Walk the Talk. Be more caring and sharing with each other. When you show kindness, empathy, love and integrity through your own words and actions, your children will model your behaviour.
Show Respect. Parents who honour each other, who share family responsibilities, and who resolve their differences in peaceful ways communicate a powerful message about respect. If children experience respect firsthand within the family, they are more likely to be respectful of others. Simply stated, respect begets respect.
Teach Good Manners. Insist that all family members use good manners in the home. Good manners are really the Golden Rule in action. Whether the issue is courtesy or other simple social graces, it is in the home that the true thoughtfulness for others has its roots.

Fight Fair

Some conflict in a relationship is expected.
Learn how to handle disagreements so they
don’t negatively affect your marriage and family.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Deputy Director- General (Policy),
National Population and Family Development Board Malaysia

Two persons with different characters and needs juggling with the stresses of parenting, finances, career and so on, will inevitably disagree at some point. Conflicts act like a warning system calling attention to deeper underlying problems and unresolved issues.

The problem with conflicts is not failing to see eye to eye but not managing the ensuing disagreement in a healthy manner.

1. Identify and define the conflict
Write down the things you want to talk about as this helps collect your thoughts and work through issues logically. Narrow down the seemingly endless problems to what the actual issue is.

2. Explore your feelings
Anger may seem like the predominant sentiment but what you’re actually feeling could be hurt or disappointment. Identify and express your emotions openly and honestly instead of talking around them. When a person believes they’ve been heard and understood, it’s easier to move forward.

3. Be solutions focused
Identify the outcome you each want, then work out possible solutions that you can both agree on. Pick something that works for both persons rather than forcing something that is too farreaching for either one.

4. Listen, listen, listen
Concentrate on what your spouse is saying without having any pre-conceived judgements, don’t interrupt (whether audibly or in your mind!) and always clarify what the other person has said before expressing your views.

5. Be willing to forgive
Forgive your spouse for any hurt caused through words or action. Your ability to forgive is directly related to your spouse’s ability to rebound from conflict, and move on.

6. Know when to call a ‘time out’
If there is no resolution in sight and things are getting out of hand, agree to step away separately to calm down both physically and emotionally, and re-focus on the conflict on hand, not the mixed feelings. Return to the discussion only after both parties are feeling calmer to re-negotiate.

Signs of conflict

Discomfort. Intuitively you feel something is just not right but
can’t quite put a finger on it.
Minor conflict. You get irritated over small incidents that seem too small to fuss over.
Misunderstanding. You jump to conclusions and make wrong assumptions about your spouse’s actions.
Tension. There’s an uneasy, negatively charged feeling when you’re together.

In times of conflict, couples should never….

Ask the children to take sides.
Scream, shout, get physical or show other disturbing behaviour.
Threaten to, or actually, walk out of the home. Going into another room to calm down is acceptable.
Hurl personal insults at each other.
Involve other members of the family especially in-laws.
Bring up old, supposedly resolved fights.

Ready, Set, Plan

There are various contraceptive methods to help you in planning your family.
This article gives you an overview of the options you should know before
consulting your doctor and making a decision.

By Assoc Prof Dr Tan Ay Eeng, Obstetrician & Gynaecologist

Family planning is more than just spacing your pregnancies or limiting family size. It safeguards your health and fertility, and improves the quality of life for your family. As the costs of living go up and education, nutrition and even leisure become increasingly important, you and your spouse would want to ensure that every one of your children gets the best that you can possibly give them.

There are many methods that can help when it comes to planning your family. It is important to know what options are out there before you and your spouse decide on the one that fits your needs.

JUST HAD A BABY? Family planning is just as important for new parents as it is for couples who have yet to start a family. The whole process of childbirth and caring for a newborn baby can take its toll – physically, emotionally and mentally. Your body needs time to rest and rebuild its nutritional stores, while you and your spouse need to devote time to get to know your newest member of the family.

PILLS
Generally, there are two types of pills: progestin-only pills and combined pills, which contain estrogen and progestin. The pill needs to be taken daily to prevent pregnancy. It is safe, convenient, effective and may help to alleviate menstrual cramps and lessen heavy periods.

INTRAUTERINE DEVICE (IUD)
An IUD is a small T-shaped device made of plastic, which is inserted into the uterus. They are effective up to 3 years (some are effective for 5 years), after which they must be removed or replaced. Some IUDs release hormones that can help other problems you may have such as heavy periods.

IMPLANTS
An implant is a thin plastic device containing progestin about the size of a matchstick, which is inserted under the skin of the upper arm. The insertion takes only a few minutes and it stays effective for 3 years.

INJECTABLES
This method requires you to receive progestin injections every 12 weeks. While injectables are very effective, one possible unwanted effect is irregular vaginal bleeding.

STERILISATION
If you and your spouse decide that you do not want any more children, one option is tubal ligation – an operation which closes off the fallopian tubes so that sperm cannot reach the egg. Male sterilisation involves a vasectomy, which is a minor operation usually performed under local anaesthesia. Do think carefully before opting for any of these procedures as they are irreversible.

All that you have read – from pills to injectables – are highly effective methods of contraception.
Less effective methods are:

BARRIER METHODS
Barrier methods include soft latex or silicone barriers such as diaphragms, caps and shields that are inserted into the vagina, or a condom placed over the penis before sex. These methods are most effective when used with spermicide cream or jelly. The male condom offers the extra benefit of protecting the woman against sexually transmitted diseases (STD).

RHYTHM METHOD
Chances of conception are reduced by planning sexual intercourse around the infertile times in your monthly cycle.

COITUS INTERUPTUS
A traditional method where the man removes his penis from the woman’s vagina before he ejaculates.

Every contraceptive method is different. You may not be able to use certain methods due to intolerable side effects, contra-indications to their use or even cost. It is best to consult your doctor before using any of these methods.

Is Your Home A Battle Zone?

Unresolved conflict in a marriage is a time bomb waiting to go off. Watch
out for the signs of conflict and manage them effectively.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Director of Family Development,
National Population and Family Development Board Malaysia

So many things can lead to conflict in a marriage: children, finances, work or meddling family members. Conflict in marriage is common. However, when a matter is brought up over and over again with no signs of resolution, then you and your spouse may have a problem.

Here is how you and your spouse can tell if you are in conflict:

Do you yell, shout, insult or even throw things at each other in anger?
Do you lose your temper with each other over the smallest things?
Do you have difficulty talking about any problem calmly and reasonably?
When one of you gets angry, does the other one stomp out of the room?
Do you blame each other all the time?

A tick in any of the boxes indicates a conflict you and your spouse need to resolve. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Take a time-out
When an argument gets too heated, stop it. Leave each other alone for about 15 minutes to cool down. Take a few deep breaths to calm your nerves.

2. Think it through
Time-out is useful only if you spend it thinking about what you’re really angry about (instead of fuming). Are you mad about what your spouse did or is your anger linked to something that happened in the past? Did you weigh the facts properly or are you responding based on emotions?

3. Return to the scene
Once you have both calmed down, face each other and try to talk things over calmly.

4. Understand each other’s needs
Ask what is truly bothering your spouse. Listen to him or her and try to understand. Then give your spouse a chance to understand how you feel. Do not attack him or her, but express your concerns honestly.

5. Reach a compromise
Think of ways to resolve the conflict together: suspend judgement and let the ideas flow. Narrow your list of ideas and upon discussion, agree on one that both of you can work towards.

When conflicts seem ‘un-solvable’

Marriage is a two-way street. Conflict resolution cannot happen unless you and your spouse want it. In cases when the conflict seems impossible to resolve and is seriously harming your marriage, do seek counselling. Call (03) 2693 7555 at LPPKN and make an appointment with a counsellor. They can give you and your spouse the expertise and the third party perspective you need.

From Two To Three

With baby’s arrival, changes are bound to happen in your relationship.
Find out how to keep the fire burning between the two of you.

By Dr Teoh Hsien-Jin, Consultant Clinical Psychologist &
Cheong Sau Kuan, Clinical Psychologist

It’s common for a newborn baby to be in the limelight. As a proud parent, one or both of you might assume that the awe and wonder surrounding baby would automatically build a strong bond between you and your partner. This ideal situation may not necessarily be the case for most parents.

Of the two of you, the new Mum will most likely be the one paying the most attention to a demanding newborn baby at home, and this may create some unexpected jealousy in your marriage. The new father may begin to feel left out and could even resent baby as he feels that Mum is constantly meeting baby’s seemingly endless needs and neglecting his needs. In the flurry of activity involving baby, it’s important to remember that marriage, and subsequently parenting, is a ‘joint venture’ between two people.

To keep your family together especially during the first busy months after baby is born, it is important that the two of you maintain a balance between baby and your relationship.

Once you have put in effort to maintain a happy relationship, you will ultimately be able to lessen the stress of new parenthood and further strengthen your marriage.

Although you may have slightly different priorities since baby’s arrival, bear in mind that now that you’re a family, you need to be united as a couple and as parents. Do all you can to provide a strong, stable home for baby and any more children to come later on. Baby will definitely enjoy the
love and happiness that radiate within your home. Your increasing closeness and the support you give one another could make caring for baby a little easier too!

Towards a happy partnership…

Although caring for baby and getting used to being parents may be an exhausting and overwhelming task, you still need to try to focus some attention on each other. Here are some tips on how you can maintain a happy relationship:

Make sure your spouse knows you still care for him/her. Even if you spend much of your time feeding, cleaning or fussing over baby, remember not to neglect your spouse, who after all deserves your attention too!
Take time to talk. Share your joys, frustrations, anxieties and hopes just as you did while courting and when newly married. Don’t let baby become the only topic of conversation between the two of you or when you meet friends and family.
While you talk, make sure you listen, too. Don’t cut off each other’s sentences; hear each other out, even if you disagree over something.
If possible, go out for a ‘date’ at least once a month. Leave baby with a caregiver while you catch a movie or go out for a romantic dinner together. Romance should not end when baby arrives!
Dad, if you aren’t already involved in caring for baby, get involved now. The only thing you cannot do for baby is breastfeed, but you can cuddle, rock and soothe him to bond or when he cries, as well as bathe and change him. If he cries for a feed in the middle of the night, you can also help by going to him and bringing him to Mum for his midnight snack.
Stay intimate with each other. Keep in mind that you do not have to ‘have sex’ to feel close to each other. So, don’t worry too much if you are not up to lovemaking because of exhaustion, Mum’s physical changes or bad timing. Both of you can still touch, hug, cuddle or massage each other to keep the feeling of closeness alive.
Avoid blaming or criticising each other for problems around the house or in your relationship. This is pointless and damaging to both of you. New mothers do have some hormonal changes that may cause their emotions to be erratic; fathers should handle this with calm and kindness, not by lashing back with sharp words.

Ready for sex again?

New mothers can start making love again when they no longer feel sore. Although it is entirely up to you, it is best to get the go-ahead from the gynaecologist first during the six-week check-up. Once you have resumed your sex life, take it slowly. After childbirth, the vagina may be slightly drier than normal, so use extra lubrication. During lovemaking, choose a position that does not put too much pressure on wherever is feeling sensitive. Try to make love during baby’s nap time and whenever you are not too tired, so that you are not too exhausted to enjoy it. Don’t focus on sex as an isolated end point to “achieve”. Just enjoy being with each other and soon enough, you’ll find intercourse just as it was before baby came along — or even better.

And Baby Makes Three

How do you and your spouse adjust to keep your marriage strong now that baby is in the picture?

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Director of Family Development,
National Population and Family Development Board

Congratulations, baby is here! As new parents, there will be times of unspeakable joy and laughter. There will also be times of stress and anxiety. Knowing what to expect and how to cope will help you and your spouse enjoy your new family member and each other.

Be prepared for dramatic changes
While a new baby brings you many delightful moments, you should also be prepared for some not-so-delightful moments like sleepless nights, new worries and more responsibilities. Discuss and plan with your spouse how to divide tasks such as baby duties, house chores and paying the bills. Being prepared helps you support each other better.

Share your expectations of the ideal family
Your vision of the ideal family probably differs from your spouse’s. Do not assume your combined vision of the ideal family will develop on its own. Share with each other the kind of family you want and set goals that are meaningful to both of you.

Talk to each other
Failure to communicate openly and honestly with each other will lead to resentment and unresolved issues. Make the effort to talk to each other – while taking a stroll with your baby, after baby is tucked in bed, or simply set aside a regular time each week just to talk.

Daddy expectations
It is important for fathers to be actively involved in the upbringing of the baby. Touch, hold and talk to baby frequently. You can also help bathe, change and comfort her, especially when she wakes during the night.

Keep a civil tongue

Do not blame each other whenever you have a fight. For instance, if you feel your spouse is not doing his fair share of the house work, bring it up calmly and constructively. Ask your spouse to do the same.

Plan dates with your spouse
Every now and then, take a night off to go out with your spouse. Leave baby with a trusted family member or friend. Do not feel guilty as a strong marriage is the foundation for a happy family and a pair of loving parents, one of the best gifts you can give to your child.

STRIVE FOR INTIMACY

While lovemaking may take a backseat now that baby is here, you should still make time for it. If intercourse seems unlikely to happen, try touching, hugging, cuddling or massaging. Sometimes, it is the feeling of being close to each other that counts.

A Little More Conversation

Has communication between you and your spouse come to a halt after baby’s arrival?
Here is how to get it up and running again.

By Dr Anjli Doshi-Gandhi, Director of Family Development, National Population and Family Development Board Malaysia

You may be surprised at the idea of having to re-learn communication. After all, you and your spouse have been communicating effectively for years.

That may be so, but being new parents can be overwhelming, time-consuming and stressful. When was the last time you had a real conversation with your spouse? If you cannot remember, a little refresher course is in order:

Set regular ‘talk’ times
Set aside time just for yourselves to talk – at breakfast, while taking the baby out for a stroll or at bedtime. Be specific and commit to these dates. If you need to cancel, be sure to reschedule.

Ask questions
Do not assume you know each other inside out. Neither of you are mind readers. Get into the habit of asking questions before you decide what it is your spouse is really trying to tell you.

Listen generously
Being a good listener means listening without interrupting and being able to reflect back what your spouse said accurately. Put yourself in his shoes. Hear him out before interjecting or making conclusions.

Equal opportunity & time
Every conversation is a give and take. You may feel that your spouse has taken you for granted and want to rant and rave for hours but do not monopolise all the ‘talk time’. Let your spouse talk too. You may feel differently once you listen to what he has to say.

No complaints, just requests
Complaints are negative and make your spouse feel defensive. Why not turn them into requests? Instead of saying, “I’m doing everything myself and you’re not helping!”, say, “Can you help prepare dinner while I give the baby a bath?”

One at a time
Several problems can plague a couple at any one time: baby, money, work or in-laws. Do not be overly ambitious and be pressured to resolve everything at one go. Tackle one problem at a time.

SHARE THE GOOD AND THE BAD

‘Talk times’ are not opportunities for you to blame or criticise your spouse. Being new parents is not easy and you both need encouragement and support. Try to talk about the positive and the negative, share concerns and celebrate successes, reaffirm each other’s strengths and find ways to overcome weaknesses together.

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